This may be NSFW, but I’m not sorry

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February 16, 2018

By Alex Zeese

You all should be ashamed of yourselves.  Yeah I’m talking to you, the jerk-wads who live in area and are buying you spoiled brat kids Eagles jerseys after they won the super bowl.  Thanks to the NFL’s most recent report on jersey sales (link: http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap3000000910292/article/wentz-and-brady-are-kings-of-nfl-merch-mountain), we now have a serious damn problem, and I’m gonna put it right on YOU.

I mean, what’s wrong with you? Did you want to be a bad parent?  Because to me it’s now clear that you are.

I don’t want to say that your kid will end up being a bad person.  But just google “Eagles Fan Arrested”. See that!?  That’s what your kid is gonna end up being thanks to you buying them that stupid Carson Wentz jersey.  So enjoy visiting your son in prison in 5-10 years – I’m sure they will look nice with your ex-wife’s name tattooed on their neck. Oh, I should have mentioned: by buying them an Eagles jersey you’re kid’s new fandom will inevitably destroy your marriage.

Do you not understand fandom?  It’s never been hard.  There are two ways to correctly become a fan. You can either root for the home team – we have a whole song that explains it in baseball – or you root for the team your parent rooted for.  But to bandwagon?  Much worse, you let your children bandwagon!!!  Do you not remember all those kids who grew up Cowboys fans, when living in Washington? Horrible monsters, drains on society, every single one of them. Yep, well that’s your kid now.

I know being a D.C. Sports fan can be tough.  And maybe rooting for the Redskins over the last few decades is really hard at times.  But to give up and start supporting teams that win the Super Bowl, that’s just terrible.  It sends a bad message to little Johnny Jr.,  (I’m assuming you named the kid after you you arrogant dink).  It sends a message to him that he should never fight for anything that’s hard.  That he should never be loyal to anything or anyone. That’s what that jersey represents.  You would probably have told him to go fight for the British during the American Revolution, wouldn’t you?  Yeah, you look deep inside yourself, you know I’m right.

And to top it all off, you didn’t even have the guts to go get them a Nick Foles Jersey. You went with the guy who was on the bench but has the bigger name! At least with Foles there’s some underdog stuff going on, the kid had so much going against him, from a so-so arm to the fact that he always looks like a kid who can’t find his parents in the airport.  At least I can understand rooting for that dumb guy.  But nope, you can’t, because little Johnny Jr. needs to think he’s a winner that just wins all the winnings doesn’t he?

So congrats, you and your little spoiled brat made the DC area that much worse to live in. The list goes, 1. Metro 2. Politicians 3. Your bama front running kids.  I hope you all slip and fall into the Anacostia.

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