Obituary: Washington Redskins dead at 83
July 23, 2020
by Steve Thomas
The Washington Redskins passed away at the age of 83 yesterday, surrounded by close family and friends, due to complications resulting from a deadly assault by political correctness. The Redskins had been ill for a number of years prior to the attack, and after medical professionals advised family that further treatments would only increase pain to the wallets of its caretakers, the family elected to pull the Redskins off of life support.
The Redskins were born in 1937 as the only son of the Boston Braves. The team struggled for much of its life, but grew into a 5x league champion, with victories in 1937 and 1942, Super Bowl XVII in 1983, Super Bowl XXII in 1988, and Super Bowl XXVI in 1992. It also had championship game appearances in 1940, 1943, and 1945, an NFC Championship and appearance in Super Bowl VII in 1973, and another NFC Championship and appearance in Super Bowl XXIII in 1984.
The Redskins produced 20 people who were enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, including 15 players who spent the majority of their careers with the team, 3 coaches, 1 general manager, and the founding owner of the team, George Preston Marshall, as well as numerous others who spent short times with the team.
The Redskins’ lifetime win – loss record was 579 – 575 – 23, not including the contributions of its father, the Boston Braves. 39 of its 83 seasons produced winning records. Together, the Redskins – Braves family was 603 – 603 – 28. The team spent the most memorable years of its life at a home nicknamed “RFK Stadium” in Washington, D.C., although in its later years was forced due to adverse circumstances to downgrade to a home in Raljon, Maryland, known as “Fed Ex Field”, at which it lived out the remaining years of its life.
The Redskins’ final years were difficult at times, with the glory days of its youth and middle age long gone and fans slowly drifting away after three separate health crises in the past 20 years, one known as “Vinny Cerrato Virus” and another called “Bruce Allen Disease”, the latter only being cured last year, as well as a series of simple misunderstandings involving alleged inappropriate conversations of a sexual nature. However, despite it all, its dwindling but loyal core group of die-hard supporters never left its side.
Daniel Snyder, who owned the team at the time of its passing, spoke on behalf of the family and informed the nation of the Redskins’ death, stating, “[i]t’s a very sad day today, but please take comfort in the fact that the Redskins loved each and every one of you who followed the team for all of these years. We regret the fact that we were not able to either save the Redskins or take the team out for one final ride in 2020, but please understand that the Redskins are in a better place. It will always be remembered in reverential tones for the special life it lived and all of its great accomplishments. Rest in peace, big guy. I know you will be keeping an eye on us from above and slipping those refs a Benjamin for me every once in a while!”[1]
So, for one final time, please sing along:
Hail to the Redskins!
Hail Victory!
Braves on the Warpath!
Fight for old D.C.!
Run or pass and score—We want a lot more!
Beat ’em, Swamp ’em,
Touchdown! — Let the points soar!
Fight on, fight on ‘Til you have won
Sons of Wash-ing-ton. Rah!, Rah!, Rah!
Hail to the Redskins!
Hail Victory!
Braves on the Warpath!
Fight for old D.C.!
A memorial service will be held on Sunday, September 13, at 1:00 pm at Fed Ex Field. In lieu of flowers, the family has asked that the public pay its respects by making a financial contribution to the “Redskins 2020 Season Ticket Fund”, a charity which benefits impoverished yacht owners, with more information located at https://www.redskins.com/tickets/.
The Redskins are survived by its only son, the Washington Football Team. Rest in peace.
[1] For the benefit of those who are completely brain dead, Dan Snyder didn’t actually say this.